Crisis- No Missed Opportunity

It is said that there is no such thing as a missed opportunity, one just has to recognize that not all opportunities are appropriate at this time. For example, this year I was supposed to be on my way to the Aswan area of Egypt, touring down the Nile on a two week discovery of self and research. Yet I was unable to partake upon this spiritually educating sabbatical as one of my benefactors fell thru. Although a cleansing in one of the world's oldest civilizations is exactly what I need at this moment, the "opportunity" would have been extremely dangerous had I went as planned in March/April; as we are all aware of the civil unrest currently residing in the middle east.

What I perceived a year ago as an opportunity to visit the ruins of my homeland now built up into a resort area, would have actually turned out to be the yin of crisis placing my life and general well-being at risk. Yet my missed opportunity actually became a redirective catalyst of promotion resulting in a novel, a radio show, and the finding of many interesting people that I would not otherwise have encountered nor sought out. Don't get me wrong the road has not been easy as I have suffered great loss in the past year thru death, broken engagement, multiple accidents and cancer yet the rewards and respect have been unimaginable. I believe it was John F. Kennedy who stated in his 1959 address "When written in Chinese the word 'crisis' is composed of two characters - one represents danger and the other represents opportunity." As I think back to my most opportunistic endeavors, they have emerged from "crisis."

Had my daughter not been attacked by teachers and administrators in Champaign Schools, I would have never met some amazing advocates or most importantly communed with God whom I call Anu (sumerion). I also would not have time to study ancient texts such as the Book of Thoth, Lost Book of Enki, Papyrus of Ani or the Kama Sutra which I discovered was hardly about sex as westerners have so corrupted it to be. Had my daughter not been diagnosed with Autism, I would not have become a teacher being inspired to assist other young individuals who struggle with impairments and disabilities. The list can go on for myself but I digress.

So maybe former President Kennedy and the chinese are correct their thought processes that out of every crisis emerges both elements: danger and opportunity. You just have to simply differentiate between the two characters.

Peace, Love and Bliss

Angelah

African American Children Have Disabilities Too

As my daughter and I circulated within the mall, events occurred reminding me of her autistic related social ineptness. Studies show that approximately one in every 150 children is diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. As of 2009 in Illinois, the number of children ages 3-21 was approximately 12,232. My daughter has been set in the category of autistic disorder/developmental delay for about 7 years, although there were suspicions of being on the spectrum prior to her official diagnosis. Yet when she displays behaviors related to her disorder, she is not viewed as a child with a developmental disability, but rather that of just an unruly black kid reared by a bad mother.

It is a common misconception taken upon by society that African American children do not have developmental disabilities. They are often mislabeled or relabeled in the categories of “behavior disorder/emotional disturbance.” There is no Dyslexia, Attention deficit (except in bad behavior) or Autism in spite of the myriad of celebrities who have come forward such as Whoopi Goldberg and Holly Robinson Peete. I must admit the black community has not done much in the way of dispelling these misconceptions. We as African Americans often exacerbate the problem by choosing to ignore the existence of a possible developmental disorder and do not actively seek out reliable, non-biased testing. So we often suffer the disadvantage of having our children written off and discarded as behavior problems.

Since first suspicion of my daughter being on the spectrum, I have studied, researched and proactively assisted in the facilitation of optimizing her functioning. I have sought out paraprofessional services in speech, sensory, physical and social therapies when there was no funding. I have purchased items such as weighted gloves and blankets, a body glove and vibrating pillows as well as created a multitude of social stories and body relation programs to aid in the stabilization of her disorder. Unfortunately all the training, assistance and self-awareness still has no bearing on the cursory glances and raised eyebrows I receive when my daughter displays autistic related behaviors. She is still looked upon as just being a “bad seed.”

I am in a constant state of apologetic and teaching mode due to society’s loss of empathy when it comes to an African American child who displays undesirable behavior. We are mentally punished by both black and white individuals when the behaviors are displayed. Many times I want to scream “Guess what guys, black kids can have a developmental disability too.” So the next time a child, any child, displays an undesirable behavior instead of mentally writing them off, please allow your first mind to question if that child may be displaying disability related behaviors and offer compassion and assistance instead of disdain and judgement.

Where is the love? My Brother, My Sister

A few days ago I was watching a movie from 1974 named "Claudine" It was about a single black mother (Diahann Carroll) on welfare trying to have a meaningful relationship with a black man (James Earl Jones). During the movie there was scene where Claudine was on the bus either going to or coming from work quietly listening as friends taunted her about Roop (her so called man) leaving. They discussed how all black men leave and the only hope one could have is just a piece of man when he was around.

This conversation disturbed me greatly as I reflected that not much has changed in almost forty years. Having been born in the same year as "Claudine" was released, I could not help but wonder, Where did the love go? When I think back to the civil rights movement almost a decade before, I am reminiscent of pictures, movies and documentaries presenting a unified front of African American males and females both internally and externally. When I think back to pictures, movies and documentaries of slavery, reconstruction and the harlem renaissance once again images of unified connection filter my mind. So what has changed?

What happened to those devoted families of the civil rights movement, during slavery times and reconstruction periods that took pride in one another? When did survival of self become so important that we failed to account for the disconnection of family? Have we gotten so concerned with shucking and jiving for the white man, that we shuck and jive responsibility of the black communal?

Some blamed the welfare system which ripped fathers from the homes by telling women they would lose their benefits. Some blame the Vietnam war which drafted many men into a field of post traumatic annihilation. Others blame the black woman’s attitude debilitating a black man’s ego. Whatever the case may be, black women have given up on our men’s ability to sustain and stabilize a family. The expectation is just no longer there, in fact it has been replaced with an expectation of the father not being in the home from day one. Even Oprah Winfrey has given up hope on ever being married as she stated in a recent interview.

I have come to realize that this expectation we women have and projected upon our men has caused a great divide amongst one another. A divide within the black community upon which no one wants to have a dialogue except to jeer and sneer. African American women discuss it in same sex groups as do African American men, yet we do not come together to discuss and solve the problem.

What is this fear of truth we have acquired? A fear which have left us immobilized in a state of confusion, chaos and hopelessness. What happened to those great kings and queens, warriors and survivors that have become our heritage? Can we no longer see the benefits and rewards once the trial has ended and the war is won?

As I begin a new journey alone, I reflect upon not only my failed engagement but also my previous failed relationships. I realized that I also carried the same expectation of the man not staying and in fact pushed my fiance away into the arms of another. My disguise was support, I supported him leaving our family to go to Washington DC, I supported him leaving our family to travel to Palestine, I supported him leaving our family to attend law school in Iowa. I never supported him staying in the home and providing or protecting our family. So it is not a wonder that he left because that was my expectation.

Of course I will not accept complete responsibility for the demise of our relationship. He as well as all men need to be held accountable for not cherishing the treasures they have been given. Nor do I believe men she just escape without at least putting up a little resistance. If African American men would just say "no i'm not leaving, because this is where I belong," they would find most of us women caving so quickly our heads would spin. The relationship would go a whole lot smoother as well.

African American Men and women must both reclaim their rightful place as individuals, as a community, as a couple. Lets begin anew: TOGETHER

Peace, Love and Bliss
Angelah

Dawn Rises and It is ALL Good!

It has been a month since my last blog, from which I was very angry. It is amazing how

God can change your life in just an insignificant amount a time. As I celebrated christmas

with my family, a festivity which I have not enjoyed in two years. I thought to myself "this

is exactly where I am supposed to be." Good food, good family, drama and stress free.

As I began to shed the pain of present past I never imagined what God had in store for me.

From the time of the last blog, my world has been thrown in a whirlwind of good treasures.

I received gifts reminding me of the joy in giving and receiving. I cultivated stronger bonds

with my family and friends. I ended the year in peace, joy, love and harmony. I ended the

year healed with a new, clean state.

The New Year and Decade has certainly brought to light aspects of myself I left hidden. Most were good, some were bad, but in my new awareness, the light I possess is all good. That is all anyone

can ask for because that is what God only requires to be good. "And God saw the light, that it was good." Genesis 1:4.

So I begin my year in the goodness of self, celebrating all that is within me: Good. My book ranked number 1 on lulu's romance section. I am being interviewed on a local radio station. I am surrounded with good friends and family that I love and whom love me. Darkness looms over me

no more and the dawn has arisen anew.

Peace, Love and Bliss

Angelah

Mad Black Woman

Aside from posting the prologue to my novel, I have not written a blog in almost a year. It is amazing what can change in just one years time. Circumstances can drastically change for the better or for the worst or in my case both better and worst. I had good times, bad times and immensely grievous times. It is because of these tremendously grievous times that I write today for those who are going thru or having went thru tremendous loss. This is to say "You are not alone!"

Just a brief synopsis of my past year entails my mother passing, my fiancee breaking up with me, injured in two car accidents, both my father and sister having operations due to cancer, watching my daughter become more out of control, placing my house in order, receiving many materialistic gifts, separating from my best friend, understanding the value of self and finishing my first novel.

As I said my life has drastically change for both good and bad. Most of the events happened in the last six months making me suffer alone and in silence. I cannot cry because my daughter will not let me, I can not scream or throw things because everyone will think I am crazy and I can not lie in the bed everyday because I have a job and a child to care for. So here I am left just wallowing in the depths of unexpressed anger, consumed in it both consciously and subconciously. It keeps me up most nights, this anger, this festering rage overtaking my soul completely that I have nothing to do but turn cold. Love does not live in my brain any longer, I am devoid of all things that entails for I feel as if it is all a lie.

Before my ex broke up with me, he told me he was angry at the world for he felt cheated. I knew he was directing that statement at me due to certain circumstances that shook the very foundation of our relationship. Before he broke up with me he listed all the things his life was missing because of me and my daughter, anything to justify his abandoning us. He never once thought or cared about sacrifices I made for our relationship, the many times I held my tongue or went without for him and his goals. So he felt cheated, I also felt bamboozled. While I was planning for union, he planned for separation. While I was planning for building, he planned destruction. While I loved, he hated. While I stayed hoping and praying for the best, he took the opportunity to walk away and never look back. Just left without even so much as a goodbye.

This morning I asked God what is the point, everyone I know who do nothing but pray all the time still does with nothing more than barely just enough and the same grief they started with. I asked for healing, no healing; I asked for sustenance, no breakthrough, I ask for success, no prosperity. Yet these individuals and groups, these selfish, self-serving humans rise higher and higher.

He started over with another woman, traded me in for someone younger, more flexible and childless. My mother started over, recycling into a new space to live once again and find happy. My best friend started over with new confidence, snipped away that which makes her feel hidden. My sister and my dad start over no longer bothersome with the threat of a disease so that they may live longer and happier. The two cars that injured me started over, not having to pain one dime for my pain or suffering. Yet for me nothing, absent of all growth, void of all emotions except one: Rage

So why am I enraged? Why? I don't know, maybe because I am mad or sad or afraid. Maybe because when I attempt to assert my voice it falls on deaf ears. Maybe I am selfish, believing I can heal everyones pain when I can't heal my own. Maybe because, as always, I am left alone.

My friends tell me, this rage, this anger is a normal stage of grief and it will pass. Is it? Am I grieving? Will it pass? or Will it continue to fester until I am placed in custody for releasing the anger on some innocent being? I don't want to hurt anyone but will I see the choice if presented. If love is blind, would not anger also be blind leaving you open to hurt without realizing what you have done until after the fact. I think of Betty Broderick, the socialite who killed her husband and his twenty something new wife. Although convicted in the appellate courts, she was first presented with a hung jury. Why were they deadlock? Did the first jury members understand that it is hurtful when someone abandons you without so much of a word. You spend your life with a person for them to tell you what an awful person you are as they exit.

That is what he did, my ex, left without a goodbye; left without a I appreciate you; left without any notice. We were supposed to spend our lives together and he won't answer a simple email. He did not bother to send a card, a floral arrangement nothing to my mom's memorial service. He forgot my daughter's birthday even though she remembered his (and we were broken up).

He will never know how much grief we are going thru over him, not that he cares for he's "doing what's best for him."

That's all we women get, that's all i'm getting from everyone an "i'm doing what I wanna do and I don't care how you feel or how much it might inconvenience you." My mother wanted to die, she told me so herself. My father, sister and best friend wanted to have their surgeries. My child wants to disrespect and mistreat me. So i'm sorry because I am the selfish one, selfish for wanting everything to remain the same, selfish for wanting for everyone to be happy not understanding that may mean happy without me. Maybe that's the real reason I am mad (angry not crazy) for hanging onto that which was never meant to be: Love.

As the New Year quickly approaches, I decided to enter with a new "selfish" attitude. One that will allow my no longer to be hurt or angry. My resolutions: I will not try to control others actions, just let them be; I will not try to heal the world, just myself; I will not love any longer, just be. As I enter into the next 1/3 of my life, I realized that it is not advantageous to carry in the old. No more doormat, patsy or lover. I will just enjoy the people of temporary moment and then pass it by never seeking or wanting or expecting more than that day.

Peace, Love and Bliss

Angelah