Immobilized in Fear

Many of us reside in the immobilization of our fear, that unchartered territory of the unknown. The journey which leads everywhere, but nowhere, yet somewhere. The fear settles into the pits of our stomachs, crystallizing into the formation of hard stoned rock. It is the fear which leaves you completely neutralized in a position of stillness; unable to step forward, disabled to move back. It is the fear which consumes, that allows hatred to fester, and ultimately cut dreams at the throat.

This consuming fear leaves one suspended in a cloud of confusion and chaos cocooned in an emotional uproar. The fear settles into an unrest, looking, searching for the truth, the answer of salvation which resides in us all. I myself lay immobilized as the fear of not knowing, not seeing tomorrow leaves me stuck in the balance of familiar and unfamiliar. So here I lay broken down in the shameless, humbleness of yesterday's past experiences, hiding in the immobilization of fear. It leaves my spirit asking when will I be able to raise my head to sit erect, lift my knees to stand upright and move the right foot forward to start the journey anew?

My mind tells me "you've done this before, just move." My fear says this time it's different, I can't afford to lose everything, for I have already lost so much. So once again I am at the crossroads, the gate door, searching for the courage to unlock the code and proceed forward. Once again I am immobilized in fear.

Peace, Love and Bliss

Angel-Ah

Uninspired: The Negative Drive

Today I gallop through the path of uninspired energy, that lack of abundant supernatural drive which propels us to greatness. It’s no great suprise to me as I am often caught in the familiarity of stimulating lack. Yesterday, today, and possibly tomorrow as I lie in the appearance of a depressive state, I often ponder what will motivate me. Day three of my purpose cleansing inflicted me with the reality of what has been driving me these past few years: Guilt, Anger and Pain.

In Rick Warren’s book “The Purpose Driven Life,” he defines five methods that drive a human.
1. Guilt
2. Anger and Resentment
3. Fear
4. Materialism
5. Need For Approval

Learning that I am controlled by my past failures led me to the inability to stay motivated. At the center of this negative drive, this force of lack, resides within my daughter Alexandria. Since she was born I felt my inspiration ripped from the wombe as my dream of going to Art School and studying Fashion Design was aborted. I tried to regain my creative spirit through many endeavors such as candle making, skin care products and writing. None of those avenues, although very creative, has given me the joy, satisfaction and bliss that Fashion brings to me. Unfortunately throughout the years my love and ability to bring forth walking beauty to life has evaded my soul.

I resented my daughter for coming along at an inopportune time, subconsciously deciding not to be an effective parent. Now ten years later I’m caught in the web of guilty could’ve, would’ve, should’ve. I could have been a better parent, I would have gotten early intervention for her disability, I should have not allowed my mother or Champaign Schools to shape and mold Alexandria into the being she is today.

My driving force today: The guilt of not being an effective parent allowing for negative forces (including myself) to produce a negative child. The anger and pain of trying to tear down those forces in order to move forward; but how can one move forward in the past when you’re already living the present trying to prepare for the future? How do I remove the guilt of a past gone awry to receive the reward of the future? These are the questions I hope to discover in order shed the uninspired life so that I may work in the Inspiration: God’s Love, that’s the promise.

Peace, Love and Bliss

Angel-Ah