Stop Hatin on Me and You!

It has been a couple of weeks since my last blog for I’ve been traveling and engaging in extracurricular activities which did not leave much time for thought and reflection. As I visited some friends and family in the southern part of our country, I migrated back up to the Midwest with one haunting topic being repeatedly discussed between me and my girlfriends. This repertoire was that of women hating on other women. Black women are hatin on white women, white women hatin on the sistahs, but worst and most disconcerting is that of black women hatin on one another.

This concept of black on black haterism, I believe, stemmed from the times of slavery when darker slaves were made to work out in the fields while mulattos and lighter slaves maintained coverage of the master’s house. The tradition continued with sororities being rivals such as the AKA’s and the Delta’s who divided themselves based on shades of brown. A philosophy so pathetically discriminate that film maker Spike Lee created a spoof of this ideology in his movie “School Daze.” We all remember the musical scene of the dark skinned, natural hair wearing “jiggaboos” fighting it out with the light bright, straight haired and weave wearing “wannabees” singing about good and bad hair. That scene epitomized the discrimination held across historical black college and universities which are the foundation of African American intellectual culture.

As the tradition continues to this day, it behooves me to wonder, Hatin: Is it conditioning or jealousy? As my girls and I openly explored the topic of black women hating on other black women because one may be lighter or have longer hair, or for myself strutting down the street in a pair of GAP jeans and an Indian print halter top, we could not come up with a valid and logical reasoning for the sneers, jeers and upside down smiles. The only purpose we came to a consensus regarding this heinous crime against self: Jealousy. Yet is this haterism truly based upon the competitiveness and fearfulness of envy?

In my reflection of light skinned vs. darker skin, straight hair vs. kinky hair, made up women vs. natural women I realized that the wounds of self-hate runs deep. The generational curse had been formulated in the minds of African Americans that the closer you are to white the better your opportunities. Take the movie “Imitation of Life” where the character Sarah Jane was so fair-skinned she passed as white only to ridicule and reject her dark mother just because the life of the white family they resided with appeared much happier. As times have changed and segregation has been abolished, we as a society are still hung up on color thus maintaining that gap of light vs. dark.

The other side of the coin is the little green eyed monster that consumes us all. Jealousy, which is mostly based upon fear, of not measuring adequately, remaining unnoticed or being left behind altogether. We let that ego fear take over our intellectual and rational minds only to retreat in an infantile state of being. Never once do we stop and ask ourselves: Why am I hatin? While I was down south, I was thrown into a culture shock. I actually experienced women giving me a compliment and it made me chuckle as I often stated with a shrug “what these old things.” In actuality my shoes which were the focal point of my outfit¸ happen to truly be old, over a decade as a matter of fact. Yet during that decade of residing in the Midwest, wearing my open toed, bling out sandals never afforded one, simple compliment. As I basked in my euphoric state, bliss did not reside long for once I returned home the reconnection of the cynical, non-intellectual talk of jealousy reared its ugly head “she must think she cute” followed by the nervous laugh because deep down my mockers were aware of their ignorant statements. My high came down and I was jolted back into the reality of African American Female Haterism.

Not only was I angry from such asinine remarks, but I was deeply saddened at the thought processes developed within us as black women. In a society where we are demonized by the media, condemned by African American men, mocked by other races, and essentially despised by all, must we females continue to envelope that hatred within ourselves only to overtly display acts of self-inflicted pain? I must say it is a very difficult inner struggle to look at poorly depicted images of self and not be consumed with apathy. The darker woman playing the role as a maid, single and bitter mother or ghetto fabulous sistah girl while lighter women play the role as the main love interest being showered with great clothes, picnics in the park and of course fabulous shoes.

Ladies I say now is the time we must reclaim ourselves and each other. e must be willing to say “it’s okay to wear our nice clothes to places other than work, church and the club.” Now I’m not talking about wearing heels to cook dinner, after all this is not 1950’s June Cleaver “Leave it to Beaver” but of course if that is what you are comfortable doing, I say do your thing. Instead I am proclaiming that we must tell ourselves it’s all good to wear make-up and jewelry as well as have our nails and hair done without the thought of trying to lure a man. We must give ourselves permission to purchase that 1940’s satin nightgown and wear it to bed for self. To put it plainly ladies, let’s get into the practice of self-care, self-esteem and self-love so that we may radiate and appreciate one another for all that we are. The evolution is love: love for self, love for each other, and love for all.

If you feel good, it makes it easier and effortless to exhibit goodness and kindness
to others. Let’s help each other out, whether it’s doing a friends hair and makeup when she is unable or smiling at a perfect stranger and saying “I love your look.” End the cycle of self-loathing and self-hatred in order to walk erect, proud as a peacock in our entire splendor. Stop hatin on ourselves and each other not just for this generation but for the next. Remember trying to tear someone down does not build you up; it only leaves two people broken instead of one. Like the ending of “School Daze” proclaim “Please, Wake UP!”

This is where I say AH

Peace, Love and Bliss
Angelah

Know Your Role

When you enter into any relationship albeit friendship, parenting, work and especially intimate relationships, it is best to identify early where you fair and what role you are commissioned to play. It’s best to know from beginning whether you’re the first, the rebound, the booty call, the back-up plan or left-over.
Oftentimes the man will tell his spouse thru actions or words what space you fill within his life, yet we all strive to be in a position not assigned. The first might desire to be last, the mistress desires to be wife or the back-up wants to be master. The ego says you deserve the new position because you are just as worthy as anyone else and you are but that is not what you signed on for in the original agreement. More times than not the position assigned by that man’s ego is the exact place you will remain until the contract has expired.

I have a friend who knowingly, willingly and voluntarily entered into a relationship with a man who has multiple partners. The man sat all three women down and openly discussed each role making them conscious of their purpose from day one. My friend was the teacher due to her organizational skills and experience as an advocate and transformational coach. Another woman was the provider, expecting to maintain adequate employment, paying the bills and filing taxes at all times. The 3rd woman who was the first he met and now has four children by this man was placed in what? You guessed it…Mother the stay at home nurturer. Understanding these roles the women operated within the capacities or so they thought. In the shadows these three women would backbite, sabotage and verbally assault in order to be sole and exclusive this man’s. You can only imagine what the man did, that’s right, left all three women.

When you understand what role the man desires to have his wants filled, you have the option of whether to play the game or relinquish the turn. Most times we start the game, hoping for a promotion only to get hurt in the end. We think in a job if you work really hard and play by the rules your status will get elevated, but in intimate relationships it’s simply not an available option. Once that man has decided in his mind what part he needs you to play, he will continue in that state until either his need is satisfied or you renounce the title.

For myself I know all too well being made to fit in roles and that goes from every type of relationship: Nurturing mother, Cool teacher, Loving and Nice friend, Dependable employee, but most to my detriment Complacent girlfriend. For example with my ex fiancée he desired a certain type of woman but needed a nurturer and ego booster. On some levels I always knew I was his default girl posing as the victim surrogate mother whom he would save. Yet when I desired to be more than just the poor, single victimized mother I deviated from his script. As I became more like the girlfriend he wanted, my role became obsolete. Now I know this does not make sense, you would think he’d stay, but as I previously stated once the man classify your role there are no upgrades or promotions just that position or no position. So yes I was the left over girl in relationships and I got left over and over and over again.

So where do these roles come from? EGO which is divided into one of four sub categories: Momma Complex, Sex, Money, Power. Men are always searching for that female aspect that nurtures, actually we all do. One cannot spend 9 months in a womb being fed, cared for and stabilized and not crave a return to the source of its physical being. For men the searching becomes insatiable as they bounce from female to female, entering and exiting relationships faster than a jack rabbit. All this behavior is merely a means of reconnection to that same nurturing qualities felt inside the womb. Women on the other hand, do not crave the nurturing as much for it is naturally within our DNA, plus environmental and social dogmas create the subculture of women as domicile and nurturing beings. We will nurture ourselves and each other; we will uplift ourselves and each other. That is why the beauty industry is a billion dollar business: Makeup, Shoes & clothing, Jewelry, Perfume, all part of the nurturing process. Shopping for things that make you look and feel better about self, creating a confidence and esteem is the female therapeutic ability to nurture and care for self.

For men sex, money, power nurtures them thru ego consciousness resulting in a false representation of nurture. So their predatory egos seek out that true aspect from which they are lacking. As a woman if you can satisfy all the roles men seek at the time, then they will be content until the ego supersedes intellectual thought process causing another want disguised as a need to arise. That is the problem with ego consciousness; it will always want and crave more: more money, more sex, and more power. Yet the reality is the spiritual being actually needs nurture.
This is where I say AH!

Peace, Love and Bliss
Angelah

Look up in the Sky... It's the Alter Ego!

(Ego Consciousness Pt. 2)

We are all familiar with that Superman mantra: Look! Up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, no it's the... Alter Ego!!

Yes we are talking about that corrupt defender, able to leap tall buildings and obstacles in a single bound creating maniacal master plans to overpower the world. At least so we think. The alter ego is said to be another aspect of self oftentimes referred to as the archnemesis but in actuality is disguises itself as our super hero, that great protector for our pain. Within Sybil she had many alter egos to defend her deep rooted pains but the one who seemed to appear most was "Vickie" the sensible straight laced protector who summoned forth the other egos in an orderly fashion leaving Sybil dazed, confused and in danger. In the movie Matrix, Neo's alter ego was a character called "Smith" that sentinal agent plugged in to destroy the greatest potential. In the Harry Potter series, although I have yet to see all the films, I believe Harry's alter ego was Lord Voldemort a character so dangerous just the mentioning of his name brought fear.
And of course last but not least for Beyonce... She is Sasha Fierce.

Our alter ego has the ability to do amazing things, for it possesses the same gifts we do and why not? After all it does reside inside our beings with full accessibility to all our abilities most often to our detriment. So in this knowing, why would we allow our alter ego to come out and play? It is my opinion that we really do not have a choice as many times we are not consciously aware of its arrival. As I stated in Ego Consciousness pt. 1, in times of distress where stimuli triggers a thought process of danger, our reactive minds take over and thinks for us. A prime example is in the movie Inception where the more danger perceived by the main character played by Leonardo di Caprio, the quicker his alter ego (reactive mind) portrayed as a wife appeared hunting the agitator for disposal. This is exactly how the alter ego surfaces, justifying its need to overpower your conscious leading you to exact danger it is protecting you from.

So let's explore the mind of the Alter Ego.
It believes it can do anything, say anything, be anything and it can. The alter ego is the unknowable blank aspect of self, that unexplored part that can display itself any time it choose because it can do, say or be whatever it wants at the time. Within the alter ego contains the most deadly of all sins: Pride, for it believes and has the great capacity to make you and everyone else believe that it's invincible. In the moment your entire being it left powerless and out of control until you consciously awaken from that altered state of existence. The alter ego is like a drug, placing you in an elated state of bliss only to return crashing. It is so magnificent it shows you things you feel you could not otherwise do without it. But AH!! that thought is the grandest illusion for the alter ego is not showing you what you cannot do, it is showing you what you can but may not want to do because ultimately your conscious knows those abilities may contribute to your demise. Think about it, do you really think Beyonce at 40 years old wants to be slinking around in a bathing suit costume doing the booty bounce? Or that Sybil wants to access a different character in order to function in daily life, work, relationships or parenting. Yet the alter ego is so strong and has so much power it will lead you to believe this is what you need in order to survive. The truth is the same gifts, talents and abilities one possesses are available alter ego or because they innately belong to you.

So why don't we access those unique gifts such as defending ourselves when someone makes us uncomfortable, and no I am not referring to a physical defense but simply a communicative, declarative statement "I don't like this, you make me feel uncomfortable." Women, how aboutt when you desire to be bring the sexy side out, why must we play roles and get into character in order to be that vixen playmate. If you desire to be a hoar for your man or the whole world because it makes you feel confident and empowered I say have at it. We are such hypocrites in this country, always discussing freedom and independence, yet we are completeley unable to free our minds and bodies. If we cannot free ourselves how can we ever truly acquire freedom collectively?

The truth of the matter, ego & alter ego lives within us all. For within this great stage play called life our roles have all experienced a trauma from which the ego has created a defense, altering our self identity into an unknown and unexplored aspect. In order to control that unknown, dark and shadowy part of self , we must bring it into the light of our conscious being and control it thru perfect balance. Shut off the valve to the leaky faucet, then no more will you be living a double or triple life.

Clark Kent --- Superman --- Lex Luther
Snow White --- the Mirror --- Queen
Instead you will just: BE (I AM) that perfected self in all its greatness.

This Is where I finally say AH!!!

Peace, Love and Bliss
Angelah

What's the Big Ego (part 1)

In this time of manifestation, we must all be aware of not only our conscious thoughts we as human beings harbor either individually or collectively, but the unconscious protective though processes that serve as protector in order to maintain a rational safety mechanism disguised as balance.

Carl Jung wrote extensively of this protector as the bedrock of psyche analysis, Abraham Maslow described it as “Self Esteem” that level of need before self-actualization and Sigmund Freud divided “I” into three categories. The unconscious protector for which I am referring is that little voice from which many of our ideologies, behaviors and functioning stem unknowingly: EGO

Originating from Latin meaning “I”, our ego has served as a sheltering force, often taking over in times of danger providing a seemingly balanced explanation for our conscious thoughts, behaviors and actions. Most often this protector creeps up, shutting down all sensibility acting on behalf of self as warrior. It takes over speaking out in the lowest form of intelligence…Fear identified (ID) as whole self.

Freud defines ID as an unconscious element “filled with energy reaching it from the instincts, but has no organization, produces no collective will, but only a striving to bring about the satisfaction of the instinctual needs subject to the observance of the pleasure principle.” This means that our ego runs off instinct from environmental stimulants that trigger traumatic experiences held within seeking only to personally satisfy the victory of removing self from danger. Oftentimes we operate in this space without conscious knowledge until someone points it out or we are placed in such a dangerous situation upon which we cannot respond with the basic fight or flight.

So let’s examine how our ego can work outside our realm of conscious, rational thought and force us to behave in mannerisms undetected by self or otherwise. Take me for example, as I was thoroughly enjoying myself this past weekend at the Indiana Black Expo I consulted with my sister on having been off the market for five years, I needed assistance finding a man (after all it has been a year since my fiancée left me for another woman). I confided in my sis the qualities I desired: 6’3, Good Provider, Loves the Lord etc. etc. etc. As I was rounding off my long list of qualities, I capped it by saying “and they have to be unavailable.” That’s right you got it correctly, I said unavailable lol, but what was really insane I kept repeating it until my sister asked me do I really want a man who is unavailable?

As I contemplated this statement I realized that my ego had escaped my rationale and spoke its truth. Having been in as many abusive relationships, the ego had built a structure of comfort to keep me sustained in a victim mentality, disguising the energy as victorious power. If I seek after unavailable, it would satisfy two thought processes, victimization and victory. The victim in me wanted to continue believing in abuse as love and myself not completely ever being first in a man’s life. The victorious me would seek unavailable in order to consciously be aware that I was not first and therefore I could protect myself accordingly. My behaviors in a relationship would be to push the man away by never expecting much nor asking for that which I need and deserve, respect, honesty, truth, provisions, stability…Love.

The ego creates a pattern and locks it away in the subconscious until the time to unleash, usually during times of perceived danger due to a trigger from the past. Most often an environmental element triggers our responses; a sound, a touch, a person’s stature, a food, anything that was catalogued at the time of the trauma. Dianetics the film discusses this process extensively as the reactive mind taking over when consciousness or as I call it your sensibility is lost. The unconscious begins building the blocks to warn your psyche the next time a dangerous situation might occur. Unfortunately the ego, reactive mind, unconscious ID does not understand triggers and stimulants surround us every day and it is virtually impossible to not operate in fear until your rational or conscious mind can cancel the thought. This requires one to be conscious of the irrational thought process, in my case “unavailable.” Starting from present moment one must be fully aware of which thought processes are for the greater good and those which are not, embracing the good and rejecting the bad. Yes it is that simple.

It is stated that it takes only 21 days to diminish a bad habit or create a good one but you must fully be aware of every present consciousness. Begin today to seek available and cancel unavailable. Begin today to love and not hate. Begin today to serve and not take. Begin today to show empathy and not apathy. Begin today with the thought of creation not destruction. Begin today by letting God not Ego (I or self) fill your unconsciousness. Create Anu world over.

This is where I say AH…

Peace, Love and Bliss.
Angelah

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Saggin: Freedom or Entrapment?

While attending the July 4^th Freedom Celebration activities, in the midst of my view I eyed several young and older African American men with their pants hung low or as we say on the streets “saggin.” Some men were shirtless others had on wife-beater tank tops or short sleeved shirts all coupled with their oversized jeans. Now I’m not against wearing jeans a little loose for comfort ability because let’s face facts I am not an advocate for skinny or extremely tight fitting jeans either, especially on men. Yes call me sexist but it is something about a man clothed in a perfect cut that is sexy. Yet I digress, as African Americans we have set the stage of many fashion trends from the over the top bell bottoms and platform shoes, to our revolutionary afros and dread locks, African medallions and dashikis to gangsta suits with Stacy Adams to Adidas Track suits and jerry curls to leather jacket with one glittery glove. African Americans have been the contributors and creators of many mainstream style trends. So it behooves me to wonder… In the midst of rise and fall of fashionable trends, why did the world continue with the fashion frontier of “Saggin?”

While I was teaching, an email was sent to me by a colleague from an anonymous college student who was fed up with the disorder and low level thought processes of wearing below the waist pants. The student discussed how some 18 year old freshmen were attempting to grasp the attention of her 22 year old friend. When the men asked how they could the girls attention, the student simply stated “Pull up your pants!” The student also enlightened the men on the origin of “saggin” pants. You see wearing the pants low originated in the American Prison System as inmates in that time were not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces for fear the items would be utilized as a weapon to commit suicide or murder. Thus and so if pants hung low the inmates really did not have a choice because of the uniform issued, and worst the choice became ritualistic that inmates became desensitized continuing the trend even after release from the federal institution. At one point it was rumored that men in prison used below the waist pants as a method to show sexual availability or lack thereof to other inmates. So I ask once again, why would the world embrace a fashion trend with such misguided, painful and deep roots? Why take a concept that entails a prison of the mind and body bringing it forth in celebration.

In this moment of Freedom where we believe freedom means feeling safe, secure and comfortable does below the waist pants truly display personal freedom. Oftentimes I see young men constantly pulling up their saggin pants just to walk, is that safe or comfortable? Is that free? Or are our youth so desensitized they no longer understand the concepts of Freedom? Freedom is order, Freedom is truth. Truth is Order. They say knowledge is power and ignorance is bliss. Are young men free from knowing the truth or are they blissful in arrogance of their ignorance? These young men are taking an institutionalized concept which was formulated to maintain order and applying it in a disorderly fashion. As my friend Ordena says “my mind can’t calculate that” lol. How in the world can one create order in disorder, that application is not possible, order and disorder cannot live in the same state of being – human or divine.

I say now is the time of education, revitalization, self-esteem and pride. Let us reclaim our youth and explain to them that just because a person walks around with their clothes ironed, shirts neatly tucked in and pants around the waist with a belt does not mean that person is a nerd or a geek or a wannabe or gay. Let us remind these youth that at one point in the prison mind wearing pants hanging low was considered a sign of homosexual activity. Being clean, orderly and comfortable is simply a measure of self-care. Presentation is everything, and actions speak louder than words. What our young African American men and women are presenting loudly is that they do not care anymore than to look as if they just stepped out of the bed of prison. Yes I did include our sistahs in this module as well for I cannot in good conscious let them off the hook as I have seen many walk around in public in pajama bottoms and low rise hip hugger jeans with underwear showing.

When I think of all those slaves who died attempting to gain freedom or all those men, women and children who died for equal civil right, it sickens me to know our children and some adults still desire to embrace a slave or imprisoned mentality of less than. We have an African American President and First Lady, African American heads of American Express and McDonalds Corp yet we still reside in a slave mentality. Take the guts of the pig and create chitterlings, take the crumbs of bread and fry our leftovers. In order to truly free ourselves from this mindset we must be armed with the knowledge of power, truth, love for selves, love for one another, love for that high source. Love is the vibrational energetic pattern that just IS: I AM and from that one proclamation all else will follow in order. If not then the cycle continues in disorder.

In an article by Abhijit Naik published in 2010, it was mentioned how lawmakers are curbing laws to cite the practice of “saggin” as indecent. The author goes on to state “Sagging pants history is an apt example of how an objectionable fashion trend can move on to become an illegal action, severe enough to attract some time in jail, which ironically, is where it all started.” This is where I say AH!!

Peace, Love, Bliss

Angelah