Friday, December 10, 2010

Mad Black Woman

Aside from posting the prologue to my novel, I have not written a blog in almost a year. It is amazing what can change in just one years time. Circumstances can drastically change for the better or for the worst or in my case both better and worst. I had good times, bad times and immensely grievous times. It is because of these tremendously grievous times that I write today for those who are going thru or having went thru tremendous loss. This is to say "You are not alone!"

Just a brief synopsis of my past year entails my mother passing, my fiancee breaking up with me, injured in two car accidents, both my father and sister having operations due to cancer, watching my daughter become more out of control, placing my house in order, receiving many materialistic gifts, separating from my best friend, understanding the value of self and finishing my first novel.

As I said my life has drastically change for both good and bad. Most of the events happened in the last six months making me suffer alone and in silence. I cannot cry because my daughter will not let me, I can not scream or throw things because everyone will think I am crazy and I can not lie in the bed everyday because I have a job and a child to care for. So here I am left just wallowing in the depths of unexpressed anger, consumed in it both consciously and subconciously. It keeps me up most nights, this anger, this festering rage overtaking my soul completely that I have nothing to do but turn cold. Love does not live in my brain any longer, I am devoid of all things that entails for I feel as if it is all a lie.

Before my ex broke up with me, he told me he was angry at the world for he felt cheated. I knew he was directing that statement at me due to certain circumstances that shook the very foundation of our relationship. Before he broke up with me he listed all the things his life was missing because of me and my daughter, anything to justify his abandoning us. He never once thought or cared about sacrifices I made for our relationship, the many times I held my tongue or went without for him and his goals. So he felt cheated, I also felt bamboozled. While I was planning for union, he planned for separation. While I was planning for building, he planned destruction. While I loved, he hated. While I stayed hoping and praying for the best, he took the opportunity to walk away and never look back. Just left without even so much as a goodbye.

This morning I asked God what is the point, everyone I know who do nothing but pray all the time still does with nothing more than barely just enough and the same grief they started with. I asked for healing, no healing; I asked for sustenance, no breakthrough, I ask for success, no prosperity. Yet these individuals and groups, these selfish, self-serving humans rise higher and higher.

He started over with another woman, traded me in for someone younger, more flexible and childless. My mother started over, recycling into a new space to live once again and find happy. My best friend started over with new confidence, snipped away that which makes her feel hidden. My sister and my dad start over no longer bothersome with the threat of a disease so that they may live longer and happier. The two cars that injured me started over, not having to pain one dime for my pain or suffering. Yet for me nothing, absent of all growth, void of all emotions except one: Rage

So why am I enraged? Why? I don't know, maybe because I am mad or sad or afraid. Maybe because when I attempt to assert my voice it falls on deaf ears. Maybe I am selfish, believing I can heal everyones pain when I can't heal my own. Maybe because, as always, I am left alone.

My friends tell me, this rage, this anger is a normal stage of grief and it will pass. Is it? Am I grieving? Will it pass? or Will it continue to fester until I am placed in custody for releasing the anger on some innocent being? I don't want to hurt anyone but will I see the choice if presented. If love is blind, would not anger also be blind leaving you open to hurt without realizing what you have done until after the fact. I think of Betty Broderick, the socialite who killed her husband and his twenty something new wife. Although convicted in the appellate courts, she was first presented with a hung jury. Why were they deadlock? Did the first jury members understand that it is hurtful when someone abandons you without so much of a word. You spend your life with a person for them to tell you what an awful person you are as they exit.

That is what he did, my ex, left without a goodbye; left without a I appreciate you; left without any notice. We were supposed to spend our lives together and he won't answer a simple email. He did not bother to send a card, a floral arrangement nothing to my mom's memorial service. He forgot my daughter's birthday even though she remembered his (and we were broken up).

He will never know how much grief we are going thru over him, not that he cares for he's "doing what's best for him."

That's all we women get, that's all i'm getting from everyone an "i'm doing what I wanna do and I don't care how you feel or how much it might inconvenience you." My mother wanted to die, she told me so herself. My father, sister and best friend wanted to have their surgeries. My child wants to disrespect and mistreat me. So i'm sorry because I am the selfish one, selfish for wanting everything to remain the same, selfish for wanting for everyone to be happy not understanding that may mean happy without me. Maybe that's the real reason I am mad (angry not crazy) for hanging onto that which was never meant to be: Love.

As the New Year quickly approaches, I decided to enter with a new "selfish" attitude. One that will allow my no longer to be hurt or angry. My resolutions: I will not try to control others actions, just let them be; I will not try to heal the world, just myself; I will not love any longer, just be. As I enter into the next 1/3 of my life, I realized that it is not advantageous to carry in the old. No more doormat, patsy or lover. I will just enjoy the people of temporary moment and then pass it by never seeking or wanting or expecting more than that day.

Peace, Love and Bliss