Mad Black Woman

Aside from posting the prologue to my novel, I have not written a blog in almost a year. It is amazing what can change in just one years time. Circumstances can drastically change for the better or for the worst or in my case both better and worst. I had good times, bad times and immensely grievous times. It is because of these tremendously grievous times that I write today for those who are going thru or having went thru tremendous loss. This is to say "You are not alone!"

Just a brief synopsis of my past year entails my mother passing, my fiancee breaking up with me, injured in two car accidents, both my father and sister having operations due to cancer, watching my daughter become more out of control, placing my house in order, receiving many materialistic gifts, separating from my best friend, understanding the value of self and finishing my first novel.

As I said my life has drastically change for both good and bad. Most of the events happened in the last six months making me suffer alone and in silence. I cannot cry because my daughter will not let me, I can not scream or throw things because everyone will think I am crazy and I can not lie in the bed everyday because I have a job and a child to care for. So here I am left just wallowing in the depths of unexpressed anger, consumed in it both consciously and subconciously. It keeps me up most nights, this anger, this festering rage overtaking my soul completely that I have nothing to do but turn cold. Love does not live in my brain any longer, I am devoid of all things that entails for I feel as if it is all a lie.

Before my ex broke up with me, he told me he was angry at the world for he felt cheated. I knew he was directing that statement at me due to certain circumstances that shook the very foundation of our relationship. Before he broke up with me he listed all the things his life was missing because of me and my daughter, anything to justify his abandoning us. He never once thought or cared about sacrifices I made for our relationship, the many times I held my tongue or went without for him and his goals. So he felt cheated, I also felt bamboozled. While I was planning for union, he planned for separation. While I was planning for building, he planned destruction. While I loved, he hated. While I stayed hoping and praying for the best, he took the opportunity to walk away and never look back. Just left without even so much as a goodbye.

This morning I asked God what is the point, everyone I know who do nothing but pray all the time still does with nothing more than barely just enough and the same grief they started with. I asked for healing, no healing; I asked for sustenance, no breakthrough, I ask for success, no prosperity. Yet these individuals and groups, these selfish, self-serving humans rise higher and higher.

He started over with another woman, traded me in for someone younger, more flexible and childless. My mother started over, recycling into a new space to live once again and find happy. My best friend started over with new confidence, snipped away that which makes her feel hidden. My sister and my dad start over no longer bothersome with the threat of a disease so that they may live longer and happier. The two cars that injured me started over, not having to pain one dime for my pain or suffering. Yet for me nothing, absent of all growth, void of all emotions except one: Rage

So why am I enraged? Why? I don't know, maybe because I am mad or sad or afraid. Maybe because when I attempt to assert my voice it falls on deaf ears. Maybe I am selfish, believing I can heal everyones pain when I can't heal my own. Maybe because, as always, I am left alone.

My friends tell me, this rage, this anger is a normal stage of grief and it will pass. Is it? Am I grieving? Will it pass? or Will it continue to fester until I am placed in custody for releasing the anger on some innocent being? I don't want to hurt anyone but will I see the choice if presented. If love is blind, would not anger also be blind leaving you open to hurt without realizing what you have done until after the fact. I think of Betty Broderick, the socialite who killed her husband and his twenty something new wife. Although convicted in the appellate courts, she was first presented with a hung jury. Why were they deadlock? Did the first jury members understand that it is hurtful when someone abandons you without so much of a word. You spend your life with a person for them to tell you what an awful person you are as they exit.

That is what he did, my ex, left without a goodbye; left without a I appreciate you; left without any notice. We were supposed to spend our lives together and he won't answer a simple email. He did not bother to send a card, a floral arrangement nothing to my mom's memorial service. He forgot my daughter's birthday even though she remembered his (and we were broken up).

He will never know how much grief we are going thru over him, not that he cares for he's "doing what's best for him."

That's all we women get, that's all i'm getting from everyone an "i'm doing what I wanna do and I don't care how you feel or how much it might inconvenience you." My mother wanted to die, she told me so herself. My father, sister and best friend wanted to have their surgeries. My child wants to disrespect and mistreat me. So i'm sorry because I am the selfish one, selfish for wanting everything to remain the same, selfish for wanting for everyone to be happy not understanding that may mean happy without me. Maybe that's the real reason I am mad (angry not crazy) for hanging onto that which was never meant to be: Love.

As the New Year quickly approaches, I decided to enter with a new "selfish" attitude. One that will allow my no longer to be hurt or angry. My resolutions: I will not try to control others actions, just let them be; I will not try to heal the world, just myself; I will not love any longer, just be. As I enter into the next 1/3 of my life, I realized that it is not advantageous to carry in the old. No more doormat, patsy or lover. I will just enjoy the people of temporary moment and then pass it by never seeking or wanting or expecting more than that day.

Peace, Love and Bliss

Angelah

In A Dream

Welcome and Thank you for visiting the site! Preview my first novel, I hope you enjoy!

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Prologue

She awoke this morning with the sun slightly kissing her face and her stomach all tied into little knots. Celeste could not believe that today finally had arrived, it seemed to take a lifetime to get to this point. She rose in the luxurious plush bed and gently folded down the 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, beneath the poly satin embroidered comforter. If this is Heaven, she thought, I don't ever wanna leave. A faint knock upon the door interrupted Celeste's dreamy thoughts. As she faded into the reality of today, she wiped away the previous night's sleep from her heavy, laden eyes. Not heavy due to girls' gone wild partying, stress, or worrying; but heavy from the sheer happiness of her today and tomorrow.

Celeste rose from her sanctuary, allowing the left shoulder strap of her satin sheer black nightgown to gracefully fall down her arm. She put on her matching robe, slipped into her padded flats and headed to the front door of her suite. A pristine maid entered the suite wearing a finely tailored, linen black and white dress suit, her flesh tone stockings led to perfectly shined, round toed, orthopedic platform shoes.

"Bonjour, Mademoiselle." Her mocha hair was twisted in a small coiffure revealing small silver stud earrings, and her immaculately French manicured hands carried a wicker basket filled with spa related toiletries.

"Morning," Celeste responded in astonishment that anyone could be so put together that early in the morning. "I don't recall asking for a service this morning."

The maid gently set her goody basket upon the deep, rich mahogany coffee table and proceeded to the window. As she swung back the golden tapestry curtains to allow the room's full luminous reception of the sun. She turned ever so slightly to answer "We were instructed by management to bring forth a full pampered treatment for your special day."

Returning to the windows in her slow, meticulous and calculating movement she opened the windows allowing the fresh, crisp air to circulate. The maid picked up her basket and proceeded to the powder room to begin the whirlpool bath, filling it with delicious aromatherapy scents of vanilla, lavender and mint.

Forgetting herself, lost in the moment of a foolish gawk at the maid service, Celeste closed the entrance door and leaned against it letting out an exhaling sigh of relief. As she listened to the raging waters gushing into the tub, she wondered who could have possibly arranged this little piece of wonderful. Of course only a select few might be equated to such an extraordinary patronage, especially after last night's festivities. The affair that was held in the hotel's conservatory rang in a tasteful, classy smorgasbord of socialites, debutantes and women's committee heads, wrapped in a catered spread of meatless sandwiches, exotic fruit and herbal teas.

The firm instructions of the "Queen Bee," Mrs. Walker, still permeated Celeste's mind, "Now ladies, we shall not gorge ourselves tonight otherwise an appearance of unsightly blemishes and bulges will arrive upon our bodies." Bitch. Celeste shook her head at the thought of "queen bee's" orders for the participants to conduct themselves in an appropriate and respectful manner at all times. She could not really complain over the function, after all, the gifts received were amazing: state of the art small kitchen appliances, a complete Lenox china set, fine crystal, Wallace silver flatware, items from Tiffany's and Bergdorf Goodman, and a total design package from the country's master interior designer Sharon Crete.

During the course of the evening, the guests made it their mission to dig into Celeste as being a less than adequate choice for initiation into high society. They continued to slew at the necessity of being perfect at all times; perfect body, perfect attire, perfect makeup, perfect demeanor. Perfect Bitches, Celeste thought, Virginia's elite did not concern themselves with love or happiness which was probably why those who were married had trouble and those who were single remained. "Uh uh not me, those uptight heffas ain't getting between me and my groove." Celeste chuckled at how the elite would gasp at her broken English.

Thank God her best friend, Tracey, attended the gala otherwise she would have never survived. She knew the strain the women had placed upon Celeste. After the soiree in the midst of undetected viewing, Tracey snuck over to Celeste's room with a bucket of chicken, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, green beans and Celeste's favorite dessert double chocolate cake straight from KFC. They laughed most the night away at the socialites' expense and by night's end Tracey assured Celeste that she was exactly where she was supposed to be regardless of others thoughts, feelings or comments.

Celeste walked into the suite's bedroom and sat on the bed, completely breathless about embarking on her new life's journey.

The maid quietly emerged from the bathroom "Excuse me mademoiselle, your bath is ready."

Celeste slowly lifted up her head snapping from her trance. She smiled appreciatively, Thank you."

"Is there anything else you need mademoiselle?"

"No. That will be all, merci."

The maid nodded her head and exited the room. Celeste got up from the bed and entered the enormous bathroom. Its combination of vintage detail integrated with innovative technology captured exquisiteness only few hotels could stylishly construct. The marble countertops atop the cherry wood base, stainless faucets showering aqua into frosted glass sink bowls. A pulsating sauna shower emitting therapeutic light, and a freestanding, acrylic whirlpool tub deep enough to cover one's body like a cocoon. Yes this room is definitely amazing, but even more so with low flickering candles and the subtle aroma permeating the air.

Celeste approached the sink to wash her face, splashing cool water to stimulate her senses. She examined the chiseled features upon her face; the high cheekbones, sable eyes, and pouty lips. In her examination of the slightly distorted reflection, Celeste saw another feature, one which was subtle yet illuminating. She viewed an aura, a spirit of happy, no not happy but bliss. That was the only word which could describe her emotion: raw, pure, unadulterated bliss.

Her disbelief at the truth of real love made her think, could this only be a dream? The night gown slowly fell from her finely sculpted body and pooled around her feet unleashing the bondage of confinement. As she slowly stepped into the depths of the hot steamy aroma, the beads of sweat enveloped her body permeating her skin with luscious relaxation. She laid her head against the cushioned pillow, closed her eyes and mentally prepared for her event. Huh an event, Celeste never thought she would refer to this particular day as an "event." Of course she seen them on television, grandiose affairs filled with all kinds of drama filled moments consumed by over-indulged, spoiled brats. Now after a year of preparation, here she is starring in her own reality show, yeah right reality show, at least that how it felt. Since the announcement, there had been an endless barrage of dress designers, printers, decorators, caterers, florists, photographers, videographers, journalists, production crews, and over 500 people all unbeknownst to Celeste. That was the direction her life had turned, social circles, women's clubs, garden parties, OH MY!! Am I really ready for all of this, she thought, sure I am? I can handle it, no problem?

Celeste took a deep, relaxing, meditative breath and redirected her focus on her luxurious bath. Grabbing a loofah sponge from the basket, she squeezed some rose scented bath gel and began the process of buffing and polishing the most intricate, unmentionable parts of her body along with her fears and insecurities. To some the spa experience alone would have been the best moment, but to Celeste her best was about to occur at sunset. Upon finishing her ritual, she gently laid back once more to close her eyes and revel in the quietness and solitude. A feeling Celeste had not experienced in a long while. That feeling that was quickly interrupted by Tracey.

"Celeste," she yelled "Girl where the hell are you?"

Celeste opened her eyes to the Heavens and shook her head, Tracey, that girl will never change. She chuckled at her friend's frankness.

Tracey and Celeste met at a homeless shelter where Celeste volunteered five years ago. She could still remember the first time she saw Tracey coming in all battered and bruised, make up running together, wearing a fiery red bustier, black miniskirt, knee length high-heeled boots and torn flesh colored stockings. Tracey held a scowl on her face and the attitude to match; qualities all which did not faze Celeste in the least bit. She had come across that type before, younger and looking much worst. She could tell at first glance that Tracey could definitely hold her own. He might have won this round but Celeste knew whoever the pimp or John was, she didn't go down without a fight.

Celeste fixed Tracey a plate of food and sat down next to her asking if she wished to report the incident to the proper authorities or just talk. Tracey declined both in non speaking protest, but after a few hours the throes of hunger pains won. Celeste being ever observant brought a fresh plate of food and extended her listening ear. As she heard Tracey's story, she was reminded of her own; absentee parents, trouble with school, finding comfort in the wrong men, just trying to find a place to belong. Celeste not only wept for Tracey but for every woman and girl who feels alone and frightened in a world that rejects them for not being enough: Not enough looks, not enough smarts, not enough money, not enough personality, just not enough.

After several weeks of living at the shelter, Celeste and Tracey became old friends. Within a month's time, Tracey was liberated finding herself steady employment and taking adult education courses to secure her high school equivalency aptitude. Tracey moved into Celeste's home and they had been inseparable ever since. Now five years later, the two kindred souls were getting ready to embark on another journey separately but still together in each other hearts and minds.

"Celeste, girl what are you doin? Don't you know there's a lot to do today…? I mean you are gettin' married."

Celeste raised her head up, "Yes I know Trace, but someone ordered this relaxation for me and I want to enjoy every breathtaking moment."

"I know, that's why I'm kidnapping you now, so get dressed."

"Um I thought you told the concierges to create this in suite spa."

"Are you crazy, first of all I don't know what a concierge is or where it goes. All I know is if we don't bounce soon you won't have it so relaxin."

Celeste rose up from the tub disappointed at leaving her little spa paradise.

"Ew full frontal," Tracey turned her back to Celeste and threw a towel. "Now cover up and hurry up."

"All right all right I'll be out in a minute."

As Celeste was drying off, Tracey went back into the bedroom and frantically searched out clothes for her to wear. She scurried along grabbing shoes, purse and a sundress. Celeste emerged from the powder room tying the belt of her silk bathrobe.

"So where are you kidnapping me to?"

Tracey stopped hurrying to turn and speak in excitement "Girl, we got an all day spa treatment at La Crux, La Crox, you know what the hell I'm talkin 'bout.

"Uh yea, it's La Croix and Trace you know you can't afford that," Celeste stated in a mature, sensible tone.

"Look don't worry 'bout what I can do, I got this, now get your bourgie ass dress." She threw the sundress at Celeste. Another knock came across the door as Tracey's eyes became hardened.

To order visit Angel Ah's storefront on the right.

Message From Anu

Once again it has been a month since my last post, as I am void of any words or thought processes. Being immobilized in the fear an abandoned present from which the shattered past cuts at the throats of man, I am debilitated by the consummation of a world gone awry. Is it but a dream, an illusion, the looking glass through which Alice gazes? Or is our world the reality of man who left out the hues which taught him to thrive and flourish? It is this lack of humanity, compassion and acceptance which keeps me up, tossing and turning every night in the hopes that one day man wakes up from this real dream to see.....

Those who truly know me, have stand witness to my communing with a God source from whom I address as Anu. He is the Sumerian sky God which came from the Planet Nibiru or Planet X as modern day astronomers address. To date the Sumerians have one of the oldest texts formulated regarding Gods, it is believed stories contained in Sumerian texts laid foundation to Egyptian, Roman and Christian gospels. Therefore I worship the first and what I believe is the original and through that worship I have received an enlightenment from which no being can penetrate. Through this enlightenment I have been given prophecy, instruction and knowledge to no bounds. It is not my duty or job to try to convince anyone of the truth, I am merely a messenger delivering a word given to me. No I do not equate myself with Christ, Nostradamus or Muhammad (i'm not that egotistical) but I do believe we each have this gift to tap into the source of enlightenment and receive truth to be revealed. So I give you message from HE, the I AM, Anu the one so true.

I am deeply troubled at the insidious nature brought upon me a I reclaim sould across epogee; screaming, hollering, crying out loud Anu save me! Oh what a tangled wev in the belief that joy can come from sadness, depletion out of chaos, fullness coming from empty, but isn't that everlasting living? water which we seek, yearn for, thirst after to drink of the cup from which knowledge abounds in the holding of truth to be self evident. Is it the ego which consumes thee to that which is natural yet so unnatural? Has not the the hue of man lost its humanity in the suffrage of wrongdoing? it is the pit of hatred which consumes thee, thrown into a fire of disgusting avalanches bringing forth a coldness, a frigid air that freezed into an immobile statement of untruth.

Look through this glas and see forever, the endless, boundless pit of nothingnesss waiting to be filled into oblivion that which you call bliss. It is infinity yet so finite because the measure of endless time is what you seek called the AEon, but the platform has no time with the descension. To ascend higher you must call upon the angels so that they may carry you to the floor, my floor, my door afar which you have a special key unlocked in a stele of grey compound called the heart. feel once again, love once again, hate no more, close the door to opposition upon which many have fallen from grace. take the five points, spin them into a sea of happines the abyss of ever long. oh what a song in my heart thy sing in praise to me. yes I am Vain, yes I am Jealous, for the love I can no longer have fer shie is, clouded by the impairment of judgement consumed with the lack of emotional hatred. Numbing the pain with guilt, degradation, self-pity; pick thyself up I say, breath again, do not hold your breath to escape what is real yet such an illusion. pain the picture of tomorrow, beautiful trees, green grass, birds singing,

Love, flourishing abundance the first fruits are always ripe. Take a bite, savor the taste, share that apple to those who are also void of nourishment and you will see...Glory!

I must bid a pardon as Anu often does NOT place punctuation so I must interpret where HE ends the sentence to begin anew. I understand most who will read this post, may say his writing sound exactly like her opening paragraph. I assure that I was only writing what came from the understanding of a relationship I have cultivated for almost two years. I often question myself in how much God knows me, but for those who truly believe in our Lord isn't it HE that should know you better than any even self. I ask that only you seek deep for information and keep an open mind of that which comes your way. Sometimes you will understand instantly, often it will come to you as necessary for as it is written "HE may not come when you want him, but HE is right on time."

Peace, Love and Bliss

Angel-AH

What is My Purpose!

It has been over a month since I last wrote. Living in a cloud of confusion has awakened me into a consuming realm of chaos, internally. The air I breath, the world I see, that; I Am I commune all caught up in a cloudless smoke, the fog of the morning dew which envelops me in winter harshness. I often wonder where life's journey is taking me, how I will traverse, when will I arrive at the comfort of peace, what treasures I will receive, who will stand at the gates of Heaven when I shed my earthly cloak. These questions haunt me every day as I am consumed with finding a purpose in life. My purpose appears to be everyones purpose, my life everyones life; yet once again I wonder, is it supposed to be my life or everyones?

As I think constantly the many dreams unfulfilled, the many paths, the many journeys we have travelled, I ask myself what: What does it all mean, what is it all for, what will happen, what will be the sacrifice, what will be the reward. Que sera sera (what will be will be), but is it really. Do we really be or are we being for someone else, something else? Those who believe in a higher power will say we are existing for the soul (yes I meant soul and not sole) purpose of returning to the source. The question is do I believe in that explanation any longer, as I am caught in a web of treachery, deception, trickery and loss, do I truly believe the chaos is an illusion or am I beginning to accept it as real. Is this chaos self-created or interrelated?

The creation of chaos is an unconventional path caught up in the mundane works of present life. As I ponder on the self, I am displaced in the fields of opposites. See my thoughts have always been, if you try to be a good person than good will come. That is not the facade being allowed in this universal path as the gravitational pull of negative overshadows my positive. I am barraged with a myriad of endless opposites. The more I seek a purpose, the more it hides from me; the more positive I attempt to be, the more negatives events occur; the more peace I try to accertain, the more chaos consumes; the more faith I have, the more loss I receive. So I retreat into a oneness of self source only to find a void. I call out to a God who no longer answers with the sweet, eloquent, floetry of yesterday's past but a same script of don't be blue, write and produce.

How can I not be blue when I am riddled with the sadness of guilt from a world who no longer cares about humanity, the hue of man. I write no words flow, I still no thoughts manifest, I produce no prosperity arrives. So I am caught in the vortex of chaos, not able to go back and unable to move forward. THIS BLOWS!

So what shall I do, just be, be what? be who? be HE who has abandoned me over and over and over again leaving an empty shell each time. Be they who intrinsically designed an iron clad web of lies which produce hate. Be me when I don't know who or what me is. Having this ability to feel the world's pain has left me incapacitated, laden in a void of mistaken identities and fallen destinies; so much that no longer do I want to feel at all. So I hide behind a mask of witty remarks, paranoid rants, and depressive immobilization. I am told by all to stand up, awaken, pull myself up by the bootstraps. Huh much easier said than done when ever time I stand I am smacked down, every time I awaken I fall back to sleep, ever time I pull myself I am pushed.

So I ask who will fill this cup? Where is the life for self, for me, for I, for you and I, for us, for we,

For ALL, that I AM

Peace, Love and Bliss

Angel-Ah

Cloud of Confusion

Earlier this week, a strange cloud appeared out of nowhere to hover over the city of Moscow. Immediately the world began speculating whether this formation was an alien signal or phenomenal act of God.

Over the past couple of weeks, I along with many friends, family, and even encountering strangers have spoken about being suspended in an atmosphere of cloudiness. This patten seems to leave us stuck in the confusion of where next to move. Right, Left, Forward, Backward, Up or Down; no one appears to know which direction to go. Even those who act as if they have it all together are slowly unraveling due to this confusion. Now I am by no means attempting to correlate this unusual cloud formation with the world's unrest, just merely making an observation.

It is my personal belief as I noted on my "If Only You Can See Me" blog, a major shift is about to erupt. I fervently do not believe that the world is going to end anytime soon, but I do believe a shift in consciousness is harrowing upon us. This shift although may be diverted through a fog of chaos, may actually turn out to be a clearing of enlightenment. This opinion of mine is based upon over a year of studying Ancient text from Sumerian, Egyptian, Hopi and Mayan civilizations as well as more recent Nostradamas and Da Vinci prophecies all of whom based their revelations on astrological sky patterns.

Once again I do not proclaim to be a prophet or high enlightened, but I am observant and intuned to the sounds of nature; the whispering winds, the birds song, the sun and cloud revolve. All these things are telling us to be aware and look up for the answer, the truth, the call. For it is only those who hear, not heed the call from which the truth shall be revealed.

Peace, Love and Bliss

Angel-Ah