Saturday, October 10, 2009

If Only You Can See Me

It has been almost two months since my last blog, less motivated to speak as my spiritual cleansing failed leaving me destitute and void of nourishment. I awaken out of my slumber with the thought processes that this journey although my choice was not what I had envisioned. As a seer I often view peoples future in the flashes of visions from which I am unsure. I shrink back and not speak upon this gift as I do not want people to think any less of me than they already do. For this I have greatly suffered throughout the years as my validation for existence rest upon the thoughts others speak upon my head. I am led to believe in myself as being nothing than what others speculate or propose me to be; poor, undisciplined, irrational, betrayer, a consumer, a nobody if you will. Yet I truly desire to be more; seeking a better life for myself and my daughter which I had the privilege of seeing many years ago. “But you’re an undesirable, a welfare mother with a behaviorally challenged kid,” this is what the world screams to me everyday inside and outside: my family, my friends, my home, my life.

Due to my current circumstances, I am the one who pulls everyone else down, ruins their possibility of success. We welfare mothers never get any accolades or recognition, we welfare queens are never thought of anything more than just a project hoar, we welfare generators are just mere means to the end of a permanent underclass. For we are not supposed to have dreams or aspirations, we are not supposed to have goals for the future, we are not supposed to care about anything or anyone but ourselves. Yet I reiterate we never are commended or complimented.

I have traversed through the last ten years being played for the fool truly believing I was special because I saw in myself success, I saw in others success. As I try to be a good person, often I am side swiped into being less than perfect. For this I am truly sorrowful, because all anyone sees or points out are my imperfections. I am not respected for giving up my life to save my daughter’s even though the set up is for her to either be incarcerated or institutionalized for the remainder of her life. Instead everyone states stay away from that girl because her daughter is out of control and you’ll just sink. I am not complimented for attempting to keep my bills straight or going without food so that others may eat. Instead everyone says she can’t manage money and its going to hurt you. I am not supported for wanting to do whatever, even getting hustled, just to attempt at achieving a steady stream of income as to not have to depend on anyone else. Instead everyone says, I told you so, she can’t be trusted.

Once again I AM SORRY! I am sorry that I am not perfect, I am sorry that everyone else gets what they want while I have to sit on the side lines, I am sorry for making others victims of my poor choices, I am sorry for not being stable or rich or young or childless or white… I AM SORRY!!!!

Most importantly I am so sorry that no one can see me the way that I see. Some people would say this gift of seeing should be coveted, but all my life it has been my curse, my Achilles heel for I live so far in the future that I cannot view the present and for this I am unequivocally, undoubtedly, SORRY.

Peace, Love and Bliss
Prophecy True of Anu:
Catastrophic world record coming soon

1 comment:

  1. Greeting MY Sister in LOVE! I am sorry that there are NOT enough persons in life that will sacrifice self for their children, family, friends and others like you do so easily. I am sorry that there exist people that try to take advantage of you as they do... I pray ANU steps in and let your light shine as bright to the world as I see it. I am truly blessed for being a part of you life. For that I am not sorry.