Immobilized in Fear

Many of us reside in the immobilization of our fear, that unchartered territory of the unknown. The journey which leads everywhere, but nowhere, yet somewhere. The fear settles into the pits of our stomachs, crystallizing into the formation of hard stoned rock. It is the fear which leaves you completely neutralized in a position of stillness; unable to step forward, disabled to move back. It is the fear which consumes, that allows hatred to fester, and ultimately cut dreams at the throat.

This consuming fear leaves one suspended in a cloud of confusion and chaos cocooned in an emotional uproar. The fear settles into an unrest, looking, searching for the truth, the answer of salvation which resides in us all. I myself lay immobilized as the fear of not knowing, not seeing tomorrow leaves me stuck in the balance of familiar and unfamiliar. So here I lay broken down in the shameless, humbleness of yesterday's past experiences, hiding in the immobilization of fear. It leaves my spirit asking when will I be able to raise my head to sit erect, lift my knees to stand upright and move the right foot forward to start the journey anew?

My mind tells me "you've done this before, just move." My fear says this time it's different, I can't afford to lose everything, for I have already lost so much. So once again I am at the crossroads, the gate door, searching for the courage to unlock the code and proceed forward. Once again I am immobilized in fear.

Peace, Love and Bliss

Angel-Ah

Nature's First Gold is Green

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

He early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

---------Robert Frost

I always loved this poem, by far one of my favorites of all the great poets of yesterday, today and tomorrow. I remember the first time I was introduced to Robert Frost and in particular this poem. It was recited in the all star cast move "The Outsiders," I was enamored with Pony Boy's (C. Thomas Howell) interpretation of this poem. He said that gold was like a child because it new and inquisitive, satisfied with the simple pleasure of life. That was when I was young, now that i'm slightly older I have to say I beg to differ with Mr. Frost and Pony Boy. For it is my belief that nature's first gold is green. It is always around surrounded us, reminding to stay young and playful, listen and commune. For the green is not gold but God.

Everyday we search for a treasure, going into depths of the Earth trying to conceive victory, reward, wealth, abundance. Yet we forget that we are searching for that which we already have: Nature. God Anu provided us with a plethora of beauty, love, growth and prosperity when he sent his son Amen, Ea, Jehovah, Enki to the discovery of lands afar and built the most perfect unification of balance, peace, harmony and joy. We are displayed this great wealth, this great abundance 6-12months of the year and those of us who are lost during those months when the pure blanketed robe of snow covers, we have the visualization of knowing spring will arise again in green. Just as we are sure of the sun rising and setting within a twenty-four hour period. Those of us who are more enlightened walk in the joy that even through the winter months that green is not lost or withered, but just resting, restoring, renewing, regrowing.

That's what is gold, knowing that it is always here, always abundant, always displayed, always homogenizing to create love. For it is nature that is God's first love, it is nature that shows God's love, it is nature which reminds us that God is love.

From the whispering trees,

to grass which sings,

the shrubbery which molds,

powered by the Son who holds the key.

Nature's first gold is green.

--------Angel-Ah Anu

Peace, Love and Bliss

If Only You Can See Me

It has been almost two months since my last blog, less motivated to speak as my spiritual cleansing failed leaving me destitute and void of nourishment. I awaken out of my slumber with the thought processes that this journey although my choice was not what I had envisioned. As a seer I often view peoples future in the flashes of visions from which I am unsure. I shrink back and not speak upon this gift as I do not want people to think any less of me than they already do. For this I have greatly suffered throughout the years as my validation for existence rest upon the thoughts others speak upon my head. I am led to believe in myself as being nothing than what others speculate or propose me to be; poor, undisciplined, irrational, betrayer, a consumer, a nobody if you will. Yet I truly desire to be more; seeking a better life for myself and my daughter which I had the privilege of seeing many years ago. “But you’re an undesirable, a welfare mother with a behaviorally challenged kid,” this is what the world screams to me everyday inside and outside: my family, my friends, my home, my life.

Due to my current circumstances, I am the one who pulls everyone else down, ruins their possibility of success. We welfare mothers never get any accolades or recognition, we welfare queens are never thought of anything more than just a project hoar, we welfare generators are just mere means to the end of a permanent underclass. For we are not supposed to have dreams or aspirations, we are not supposed to have goals for the future, we are not supposed to care about anything or anyone but ourselves. Yet I reiterate we never are commended or complimented.

I have traversed through the last ten years being played for the fool truly believing I was special because I saw in myself success, I saw in others success. As I try to be a good person, often I am side swiped into being less than perfect. For this I am truly sorrowful, because all anyone sees or points out are my imperfections. I am not respected for giving up my life to save my daughter’s even though the set up is for her to either be incarcerated or institutionalized for the remainder of her life. Instead everyone states stay away from that girl because her daughter is out of control and you’ll just sink. I am not complimented for attempting to keep my bills straight or going without food so that others may eat. Instead everyone says she can’t manage money and its going to hurt you. I am not supported for wanting to do whatever, even getting hustled, just to attempt at achieving a steady stream of income as to not have to depend on anyone else. Instead everyone says, I told you so, she can’t be trusted.

Once again I AM SORRY! I am sorry that I am not perfect, I am sorry that everyone else gets what they want while I have to sit on the side lines, I am sorry for making others victims of my poor choices, I am sorry for not being stable or rich or young or childless or white… I AM SORRY!!!!

Most importantly I am so sorry that no one can see me the way that I see. Some people would say this gift of seeing should be coveted, but all my life it has been my curse, my Achilles heel for I live so far in the future that I cannot view the present and for this I am unequivocally, undoubtedly, SORRY.

Peace, Love and Bliss
Angel-Ah

Prophecy True of Anu:

Catastrophic world record coming soon

Fasting: Not Just for God but also Self

It has been a couple weeks since my last post, as I have not felt compelled to express my thoughts. The last month has brought into me a feeling of emptiness, a pain I cannot describe. Something I feel and see in the spiritual but not in the physical. Logically I try to shut out input that makes no sense for that is what I have been programmed to do by physical beings known as humans. Unfortunately that is not enough for me, as I have discovered many half truths, untruths, conspiracies and ideologies; what is perceived as real does not exist.

In preparation for Ramadan this week, I have been cleansing my body and mind for the past four days. During Ramadan (very simply put) one cannot eat or drink during daylight hours. August 12 I began the cleansing process by eating only whole grain rice and bread as well as drinking water. I was then lead to eat soup and salad, now i'm controlling my food intake altogether. That was the hardest experience i've encountered in the spiritual realm. It left me dazed and weak, unclear and empty. Everyone could feel my pain, but no one understands; not even me. All I know is for me this fast is more than just doing what is in style at the moment, or some way of creating physical chaos in a world of spiritual confusion. For me this fast is about a recovery from the hurt and pain endured throughout many lifetimes. It is about connecting to a higher source within to unlock truth.

I realized recently that my physical existence has not been operating in truth. What I see is not only what i'm getting, but also what i'm not getting. I do not like maneuvering in a world full of half truths and disconnections, for in order to receive complete truth we have to be connected. Everything and Everyone, we are all part of a whole which equals to the one: God, Allah, Christ, Buddha whatever you choose to address our greatest father; I call it the ALL-Ah (father of all): Anu.

So in this journey I will attempt to find that which I have lost; my soul, my spirit, my energy, my connection and my self. I hope to be successful this time, I hope to come into a completion from which I can be satisfied this time, I hope I will find ALL of me this time.

Peace, Love and Bliss

Angel-Ah

The Miss-Education of Autism

This morning I received an email containing an article from a very inspiring George Mason University Economist. In his essay entitled Chronicle of Higher Education, Tyler Cowen, discusses how Autism should be looked upon as an educational benefit. In the realm of cognitive abilities, children with Autism have far surpassed many so called non autistic students. Cowen lists many of the cognitive functioning capabilities that are often favored when applied by those individuals who are not considered developmentally disabled.

“…some key cognitive features of autism are the ability, and desire, to process lots of information across widely different scales, from tiny details to overarching structures; focus and the mental ordering of that information; a relatively high degree of scientific objectivity; and the presence of some highly specialized cognitive strengths.”

If we removed the Autism label, these abilities would appear extraordinary and show signs of future success especially in that of the analytical, scientific realm. Unfortunately all too many times, when a label is assigned to a person, society begins to only look at their inability or lack of functioning. We as human beings begin to immediately attempt to alter or restructure the person into our limited view of a perfect individual.

What we fail to realize is that every being is perfect upon this Earth because that is how we are designed. Our differences in color, speech, though patterns, movements and development is to increase a greater appreciation and understanding of ALL. For only if we focus on the beauty that everyone and everything has to offer than we can truly grow as a collective manifesting greatness.

Peace, Love and Bliss

Angel-Ah