In Rick Warren’s book “The Purpose Driven Life,” he defines five methods that drive a human.
2. Anger and Resentment
5. Need For Approval
Learning that I am controlled by my past failures led me to the inability to stay motivated. At the center of this negative drive, this force of lack, resides within my daughter Alexandria. Since she was born I felt my inspiration ripped from the wombe as my dream of going to Art School and studying Fashion Design was aborted. I tried to regain my creative spirit through many endeavors such as candle making, skin care products and writing. None of those avenues, although very creative, has given me the joy, satisfaction and bliss that Fashion brings to me. Unfortunately throughout the years my love and ability to bring forth walking beauty to life has evaded my soul.
I resented my daughter for coming along at an inopportune time, subconsciously deciding not to be an effective parent. Now ten years later I’m caught in the web of guilty could’ve, would’ve, should’ve. I could have been a better parent, I would have gotten early intervention for her disability, I should have not allowed my mother or Champaign Schools to shape and mold Alexandria into the being she is today.
My driving force today: The guilt of not being an effective parent allowing for negative forces (including myself) to produce a negative child. The anger and pain of trying to tear down those forces in order to move forward; but how can one move forward in the past when you’re already living the present trying to prepare for the future? How do I remove the guilt of a past gone awry to receive the reward of the future? These are the questions I hope to discover in order shed the uninspired life so that I may work in the Inspiration: God’s Love, that’s the promise.