Saturday, July 4, 2009

Uninspired: The Negative Drive

Today I gallop through the path of uninspired energy, that lack of abundant supernatural drive which propels us to greatness. It’s no great suprise to me as I am often caught in the familiarity of stimulating lack. Yesterday, today, and possibly tomorrow as I lie in the appearance of a depressive state, I often ponder what will motivate me. Day three of my purpose cleansing inflicted me with the reality of what has been driving me these past few years: Guilt, Anger and Pain.

In Rick Warren’s book “The Purpose Driven Life,” he defines five methods that drive a human.
1. Guilt
2. Anger and Resentment
3. Fear
4. Materialism
5. Need For Approval

Learning that I am controlled by my past failures led me to the inability to stay motivated. At the center of this negative drive, this force of lack, resides within my daughter Alexandria. Since she was born I felt my inspiration ripped from the wombe as my dream of going to Art School and studying Fashion Design was aborted. I tried to regain my creative spirit through many endeavors such as candle making, skin care products and writing. None of those avenues, although very creative, has given me the joy, satisfaction and bliss that Fashion brings to me. Unfortunately throughout the years my love and ability to bring forth walking beauty to life has evaded my soul.

I resented my daughter for coming along at an inopportune time, subconsciously deciding not to be an effective parent. Now ten years later I’m caught in the web of guilty could’ve, would’ve, should’ve. I could have been a better parent, I would have gotten early intervention for her disability, I should have not allowed my mother or Champaign Schools to shape and mold Alexandria into the being she is today.

My driving force today: The guilt of not being an effective parent allowing for negative forces (including myself) to produce a negative child. The anger and pain of trying to tear down those forces in order to move forward; but how can one move forward in the past when you’re already living the present trying to prepare for the future? How do I remove the guilt of a past gone awry to receive the reward of the future? These are the questions I hope to discover in order shed the uninspired life so that I may work in the Inspiration: God’s Love, that’s the promise.
Peace, Love and Bliss

1 comment:

  1. It is in the momentous thoughts of not being correct or perfect that we loose site of the true promise of Jesua when he departed from this earthly place... "I will send a comforter to you. He also said he would send and advocate of Truth.

    It is not in the letting go of our past that we should continues in; but the allowing of that past. In allowing of the past and recognizing the ill-will; we rise to change our future. It is in the accepting the present called to-day; we move in the allowing of anew.

    I shall embrace the now and move diligently into the future with expectations of better; along side you! For it is in our discovery of the now anew from yesterday... we together shall find God's Love; that promise.